I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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