I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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