Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
