I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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