I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
