I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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