i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
