we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
