Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to