remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Randomize
