From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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