I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
