Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.