The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual