I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.