WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.