I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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