I think i peed on brittanys purse
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.