Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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