I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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