Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
