the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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