I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
