i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
