two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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