God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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