based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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