I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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