you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
