Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
