You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
