Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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