a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.