You're completely useless in the revolution.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok