My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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