glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
