I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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