Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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