ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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