I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
