Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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