Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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