i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
