i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
