A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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