No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
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I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me