fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar