So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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