fuck your aforementioned shoe
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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