I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
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found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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