can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
