I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
