we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
being pregnant is like rehab
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According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
tell me about the fingering
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