he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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